True Blood Snark-Cap - Episode 5.10: Gone, Gone, Gone

Guys… I am so sorry! I literally (literally literally, not figuratively literally) forgot to watch True Blood this week. So, this snark-cap is late.

You know what makes True Blood seem particularly stupid? If you watch three episodes of Friday Night Lights after watching this week’s episode of True Blood. That’s exactly what I did—and, boy, that was a mistake. It hit me: there is absolutely no character development on True Blood anymore. I mean, there was never a ton, since it’s a soapy smutfest, but at least in the first few seasons Sookie & Co changed and were kind of interesting. 

So, I thought I’d recap this week’s show in pictures…

Some dude in Bon Temps got turned into a vampire and Sookie staked him with chopsticks, in possibly her most resourceful moment on the show.

And, like all vampire chopstick-slayings, it was messy.

Very messy.

Bill’s still staking people with the handy-dandy iStake App. (Available in the App Store, I’m sure.) 

Reverend Newland still serves absolutely no purpose on this show.

Hoyt decides to go to Alaska to escape Jessica, Jason and his mom. *fingers crossed he’s really gone*

The new vampire sheriff made some new rules. Pam & Tara didn’t like that too much.

Meanwhile, Bill made Eric drink Lilith blood.

Will they ever run out of Lilith blood?

Whoops! Eric had visions of the wrong ancient vampire!

WHY IS EMMA A HUSKY PUPPY?! SHE IS A WEREWOLF, NOT A SHAPESHIFTER!

Hoyt made Jessica glamour him into forgetting about she and Jason. They were sad.

Later, Jason demonstrates that he may be the smartest character on the show by looking under the bed for the item that’s supposed to be hidden, you know, under the bed.

And then Sam and Luna are annoying as hell… SHOCKER!

Eric has got to be playing some angle, right? Because there’s no way our beloved bad boy would join Bill’s Cult of Annoyance, right?

And Bill summons Jessica to the Authority headquarter, and makes her read the Lilith book. Jessica does not like this much, seeing as how she’s had a bad experience with fundamentalism and all.

In possibly the most (only?) badass moment for Tara in the history of True Blood, she kills the new sheriff.

While Pam’s hair is still fabulous. 

Emma transforms from a husky puppy to a little girl and Reverend Newland is annoyed. *eye roll*

And Sam & Luna turn into mice and sneak into the Vampire Authority headquarters. I hope someone invested in some DCON!

WHY ARE THESE VAMPIRES SHOCKED THAT RUSSELL IS INSANE?!

Meanwhile… Sookie and Jason visit the Fairy Bar (why, why, why is the necessary?) and make a surprising discovery…

…thanks to some ancient fairy mojo.

Oh, noes, Sookie!!! *eye roll*

Do we even care about Sookie’s fate, y’all? I mean, this season has proved that without the Bill-Sookie-Eric angle, the show’s got nothing, right?