True Blood "Analysis" - Episode 5.1: Turn, Turn, Turn

We’re mixing things up a bit and “analyzing” one of our favorite crappy television shows, True Blood. It’s book-related, right? I mean, who hasn’t accidentally read six Sookie Stackhouse books in a row before realizing that they’re truly terrible? Right? Right? Ahem.

Obviously, this “analysis” contains spoilers for the latest episode of True Blood, so if you haven’t watched and want to remain free from spoilage, I’d suggest you not read this post. Instead, I recommend you read this post about Laura’s husband wanting to read books about werewolves fighting vampires. 

Bill’s sexile outside the shipping container was kind of priceless.

Thoughts & Reaction

  • True Blood opens with Bill and Erik… scrubbing the floors? They can come by my house next, since it’s totally filthy. Except Bill can stay back at Sookie’s and mope or whatever else Bill does in his spare time. 
  • Random thought: Am I the only one who totally forgot about the demon baby? That’s the sort of WTFery I’m surprised isn’t straight from the book.
  • Please let Tara be dead-dead, not just undead. *crosses fingers*
  • Jason Stackhouse is naked constantly. I get that it’s part of his character and all but all I can think about is his character from Home and Away and it’s just super awkward.
  • Pam in a yellow flowered Wal-Mart sweatsuit=omigod.

Please don’t reanimate Tara, Pam. Please.

  • I totally forgot about the Sam killing the pack leader storyline. Oh, right, I still don’t care.
  • WTF is with that werewolf lady’s hair perfectly covering her nipples? Double sided tape? Also: Ouch!
  • What? What?! Creepy Vampire Preacher Dude is hot for Jason Stackhouse? Why, why, why does everyone love Jason Stackhouse? Explain this to me, please.
  • Sister kissing? Ummmm… vampires, man. They’re straight-up freaks.
  • I kind of like the Vampire Authority plot line. That’s probably just me, but it adds something beyond Bon Temps at least. Was it in the books? I can’t imagine anything that sophisticated (I’m using “sophisticated” in the loosest of ways) in the books.
  • I could do without seeing Frank Sobotka’s bare ass. I’m sure I’m not alone in this. 
  • Is that whatshisname from Felicity? And isn’t he a Marine in Bones too? Also, I still don’t care about any storyline involving Arlene. 
  • How many people have been naked thus far? Pretty much everyone except Bill (thank goodness), Alcide (damn) and Sookie (no thanks), right? I’m all for random nudity if it can be linked to the plot, however tenuously, but this is getting ridiculous. 
  • My husband is trying to be nice and watch True Blood with me and we had the following conversation:

Husband: Why do they have to he buried in the ground to become a vampire?

Me: To ferment. 

Husband: Oh.

  • I see that Alcide has waxed his chest recently. He had a hairy chest when he declared his love to Sookie. I doubt a naked chest will make the difference, man  Also: Back in my day, men didn’t wax their chests. *shakes fist* Can we please stop this trend ASAP?
  • Oh… not just sister kissing. Uh… Well, I guess that’s the Erik we know and love. (See below.)
  • Karaoke? Really, Jessica? Okay, it actually is sort of funny, but still… Also: why did Jessica change her hair color? The red-red was so much prettier.
  • Soooooo… the werewolves eat their dead leaders? That’s… tasteful.
  • How effing selfish are Sookie and Lafayette wanting to turn Tara unto what she hares? With friends like that… I mean, in the teaser for the rest of the season, it looks like that’s addressed, but Tara hates vampires more than anyway. I know Sookie’s stupid as hell, but did she really forget that? I just really wanted her to be dead-dead, not undead. *sigh*
  • Finally: Trying to explain True Blood to my husband is hilarious. 

Favorite lines:

…use your magic hands or super snatch…


There is dirt in my bra.


We fight like siblings but we fuck like champions.

—Erik (who else?)


Sam is a weenie. Which is doubly annoying because you know Sookie’s going to end up with him in both the show and books. Well, maybe she deserves someone that annoying. Discuss.

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